An excerpt from an email I wrote today:

You know, I probably would've reacted similarly to you in that situation at the bible study. And perhaps part of me just always thinks of the arguments for the other side. However, I was wondering if I was imposing a different standard on you than I have on me regarding doctrine and fellowship, etc.

For instance, I think you are generally more say, black-and-white "conservative" than I am in issues of doctrine and theology. (Not to say that we differ so radically or anything.) And it's funny what you said about wanting to be in a Biblical church, but at the same time, criticizing it. Perhaps that's me too. Like I want to be able to critique the ways that it's too rigid, but at the same time, the structure needs to be there or what holds us back from slippery slope? It's almost like the security of knowing that the opposing sides will keep you from drifting into heresy-land. Like a checks and balances idea. So, maybe it's really a charge against the extremes or excesses/abuses of a particular position, rather than the position itself. E.g. it's good that the pastor guy said that we need to memorize verses to fight against our natural sinful inclinations, but that perhaps he should also take into account that may not be the only thing that needs to happen. the Bible does give us strength and provides direction for us to remember how we are to act, but at the same time, it's not the only thing... perhaps we need accountability and encouragment and example from other believers. and perhaps those avenues will be more sensitive to the unique circumstances of X's (and our own) issues.

Anyway, back to my point. I guess perhaps sometimes I think that you are to be the counterbalance to my excesses... let's say, e.g. my tendency to make things too relative or subjective, you could point me back to the objective and hard lines... while at the same time, recognizing that not all falls within those objective and hard line issues. does that make sense?

in some sense, I don't want you to be corrupted by what is ironically, an area that sometimes i pride myself in (thinking outside the theological box)... and at the same time, i'm also afraid of my own heresy and inclination towards disbelief and apostasy. does that make sense?

okay, these are just initial thoughts on what was bothering me earlier today. it kinda also goes back to the same feelings of, what am I doing and is this pleasing in God's sight? am I just blinded to my own justifications? am I really following God anymore? was i ever, or just thought i did? and wondering if you are in the same cloud/fog that I'm possibly in?