Today I was standing around with a three of my first-year section mates, B, C and M, who all happen to be a bit older - mid 30s and a mid-40. I like them all, and all of them are pretty intellectual (which is intimidating to me), though in a sort of non-traditional way. M asked us what we thought of the Democratic candidates - not in terms of electorability, but just pure politics/views.

B and C answered, and I had hoped it would never turn to me (since I'm pretty ignorant about politics, and sometimes I feel, just overall ignorant). I tried to pre-empt that and asked M what she thought. She just said, "Well, I really wanted to hear what you thought. I mean, I don't even know if you're a Democrat..." (I'm not. But neither would I classify myself as a Republican. I don't know what I am.. it sounds lame to be apolitical. There's cool apolitical, as in I know a ton about politics and it disgusts me and I am above all of that or look beyond it for the solution, and there's lame apolitical, as in I don't know anything and therefore I take no stance. I fall in the latter.)

I averted her gaze and mumbled something like, "Well, I'm not really political..." and could feel a slight flush in my face. B said, "You should be!" in a jesting way, and I tried to joke back with, "I know... after all I am in law school!" M didn't press me about it.

It just reminds me of the inferiority complex I carry around. It may not make sense, but on the one hand, I have a lot of pride and on the other hand, I'm constantly comparing myself to these other folks and feeling like I don't match up and need to maintain an aura that yes, i'm as smart and knowledgeable as you... I'm just... reticent. Ha!

Or it might just be as simple as... I don't like looking or feeling stupid or ignorant. Of course no one does, but it's a particularly acute pain when people expect you to be smart and knowledgeable and a large chunk of your identity consists of people thinking you're smart and knowledgeable and if you're not...

[By the way, this started out as the introduction to what was my main point, but has someone evolved into its own main point...]

The question comes back to - who am I trying to impress? Why do I even care what my classmates think about me? Or in particular, why do I care whether they are impressed with my knowledge or ideas? No one even spends a tenth of the time I do analyzing me or what I say...and yet I imagine that they do. They no doubt have a zillion of their own issues and things to deal with to waste that kind of precious commodity.

Or to ask it another why, why don't I care to impress them in terms of how much I can love them? And humility and servanthood? (And not for the sake of impressing them, but for the actual sake of doing so, if that makes sense.) Why idolize the life of the mind in the way that I do?

I remember these quotes from Mother Teresa, and how they impacted and haunted me:

"We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and to be loved."

"God will not ask [us] how many books we have read; how many miracles we have worked; but He will ask [us] if we have done our best, for the love of Him."

"Pride destroys everything."