It's spring. Love is in the air. Wedding season is about to dawn upon us. I highly recommend my favorite marriage guru, Mike Mason. (Of course, I've yet to corroborate his observations and insights by my own experience. :) )

Excerpts from Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage:

"A marriage, or marriage partner, may be compared to a great tree growing right up through the center of one's living room. It is something that is just there, and it is huge, and everything has been built around it, and wherever one happens to be going - to the fridge, to bed, to the bathroom, or out the front door - the tree has to be taken into account. It cannot be gone through; it must respectfully be gone around. It is somehow bigger and stronger than oneself. True, it could be chopped down, but not without tearing the house apart. And certainly it is beautiful, unique, exotic: but also, let's face it, it is at times an enormous inconvenience."

"What is this alien, unknowable place at the very heart of the one we love? Probably it is the place of our familiarity with God. For one of the most profound ways in which the Lord touches us, and teaches us about Himself and His Own essential otherness, is through the very limits He has placed upon our relationships with one another. It is an enormous source of human frustration that our need for intimacy far outstrips its capacity to be met in other people. Primarily what keeps us separate is our sin, but there is also another factor, which is that in each one of us the holiest and neediest and most sensitive place of all has been made and is reserved for God alone, so that ony He can enter there. No one else can love us as He does, and no one can be the sort of Friend to us that He is."

"It is no small thing to open our hearts and our arms and allow another to enter there, to grant to another person the same worth, the same consequence, the same existential gravity that we take for granted in ourselves. The fact is that our natural tendency is to treat people as if they were not "others" at all, but merely aspects of ourselves . . . . . . And so we walk around with our heads in the clouds, pass people on the street as if they were telephone poles, look them straight in the eyes and hardly see them, and engage in conversations that are really only conversations with ourselves. Too often others are but the punctuation marks in the dry and windy monologues of our own self-centered existence."

"For people are the consciousness of God in the world, the closest thing to Him in the physical realm, and a more vivid reminder than anything else in creation of His existence, His mystery, and His creative power. . . The conclusion is inescapable, that to be in the presence of even the meanest, lowest, most repulsive specimen of humanity in the world is still to be closer to God than when looking up into a starry sky or at a beautiful sunset. . . . . . Other people, let's face it, confront us directly with the realite of love or hate that is in our hearts, in a way that all the beautiful sunsets in the world cannot do."

It's good to be back. The apartment's clean (although the fridge is empty), and the weekend will probably be full of mostly catch-up work. I have Property class that carries over from last quarter. I'm looking forward to Criminal and Constitutional Law, my two new classes for this quarter. My Con Law professor is heavily involved in human rights work (I was hoping I'd get assigned to her, and lo and behold, I did.) I am a little intimidated at the thought of discussing the subject with her though.

I met with my professional mentor, a Christian Chinese woman who works as a business law attorney, mostly doing transactional (as opposed to litigation) work in corporate securities and estate planning. She's at a medium-sized firm downtown and really enjoys her work, co-workers and her firm. I enjoyed having coffee with her, and the view from the 24th floor overlooking the water of the Puget Sound was bearable too. :) She encouraged me to keep my options open, just gain as much experience as possible, and to give estate planning a second-thought. :) The lifestyle is flexible, not super-demanding and the pay is comparable (to large firms) given the hours she works.

Thoughts and questions re: future work have begun to creep in. Where do I go from here? It's ridiculous, but we'll be applying & interviewing for our next summer's employment beginning in July! I've always resisted the idea of working for a firm. After all, the lifestyle is horrible and there are so many greater needs for legal services.... that I can't seem to justify using my education and skills for the more fortunate. Money, prestige and a fancy office are tempting... and I'm always afraid for myself that I'd "sell out" on my ideals. But are they right ideals? Or am I being naive and well, idealistic (as in, unrealistic)? And why would I be selling out? What are my presuppositions about work and calling as a Christian? No solid ideas on that right now.

TOTAL DEPRAVITY. I have not had that sense about myself in a while, and so it is fitting that I mark it.

I mean, it's this theological concept that I believe (generally speaking) but well, overall, we're all pretty good folks (except the rapists and mass murderers, but I don't know any) right? No one's a real jerk. Well, occasionally... I do admit that sometimes I'm a little bratty or immature, especially when I'm hungry and tired. But DEPRAVED? Come on, that's kinda harsh. I'm a nice girl, I listen to others when they speak (mostly, except when I'm distracted because I'm thinking about myself.) I'm a good daughter, except when it doesn't meet my needs. (Mom, I know you have so many important things to do, but I'm really in a bind, can you help me out... I need it by yesterday.) I know how to answer your questions about a life of godliness - and hey, I'm the first to admit that I don't live up to those things!

I'm humble, well, okay... that one's hard for everyone right, because I'm educated and I've read a thing or two about that subject and you don't know what you're talking about... and hey, this is important and I'd be willing to spar verbally with you to the death... it's not because I merely want to win the argument... it's because there's something critical and crucial - an issue, a cause, God's glory! - at stake. No, I only said those things in the heat of the moment, not because I meant to hurt you. You're hurt? Dang it, you're too sensitive. Geez. Do I really need to apologize for that? I'm the one that's right. You were pretty mean too. You hurt my feelings. You want to know how you hurt me? God help you. You're the one that's messed up. Of course I'm indignant, I'm right! I have a right to be!

And then you said, Please forgive me. And all of a sudden, all of my swords fell to the ground. Where did the piercing in my heart come from? You wielded no weapons, only honesty and humility.

And I feel like scum. God help me. God help us all.

***********************************************************************
But that's not the end of the story. There's a lifting... because of UNCONDITIONAL GRACE. Yep, not because you deserve it, not because you're better than the rest, not because you're nicer or sweeter or give more time in service to the church. You don't deserve an iota.

"... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." - Roman 3:23-24

FREELY!

It is so bright here. And hot. It feels like summer in Socal. I've been hanging out with family and friends... eating, spending lots of time in Starbucks, following my parents around 99 Ranch Market. It's nice. Home feels like...well, home. I feel comfortable around Asians (maybe it's because they're my height. Haha.) I mean, I've started to forget.

There's a joy in being among those you share history and cultural ties. The excitement and novelty of new places and new faces can wear thin at times, and all one really needs is a place where most people know your name. Not to say that we shouldn't seek out diverse people that we find little similarity or allow ourselves to grow too comfortable (couch-potatoes or apathetic) in our communities rather than face challenges and learn new things in the "hard places". There is a little bit of that tension, and we need a bit of both, I think.

"I am commanded to go to the land of Mordor, and therefore I shall go," said Frodo. "If there is only one way, then I must take it. What comes after must come." - The Two Towers, Lord of the Rings

Standing Up for Nothing (Caedmon's Call)

Well, I can't stop staring at myself;
My face reflected in this empty plate.
I can't decide if it's the devil
Or if it's just something I ate.
'Cause he's been down there all morning.
He's patiently waiting at my gate.
He's throwing rocks at my window.
Hey won't you come on out and play with me?

But everyday when I get up
I see folks trading in their crowns
for all these paper or plastic lives;
An opiate for the masses hounds.
And pride, like a vestige of lives lost.
It's the stench of the old folks coming 'round.
Now with the news I heard today,
I can't tell if this world is lost or found.

You go; I'll be waiting here.
And I'm awake, I cannot sleep.
So I'll sit upon this rock is you.
I ain't standing up for nothing.

Well, I've never seen my congressman,
But I can't deny that he exists.
'Cause I've seen his legislation pass;
I've seen his name on the ballot list.
Same, I can't deny this fallen world.
Though not my home it's where I live.
How can I preserve and light the way
for a world that I can't admit I'm in?

'Cause I know who I say You are,
But these crows can't be made to stop.
So I'll sit denying by this fire
I ain't standing up for nothing

Lack of interest leads to,
Lack of knowledge leads to,
Lack of perspective leads to,
Lack of communication leads to,
Lack of understanding leads to,
Lack of concern leads to,
This complacency denotes,
This approval denies
The truth.

But I can't stop staring at myself;
It's my face reflected in this empty plate.
And I know that it's the devil.

So You lead; and I'll be close behind.
So You speak and I'll hang on Your words.
You've got to lift me from this hardened tree,
'Cause I ain't standing up for nothing.

War seems imminent. The deadline is Wed 8pm EST (5pm for West Coast.)

I saw a picture of a solder standing on an air carrier, hunched over like he was praying. That reminded me. Let's pray for peace, if God permits. Otherwise, a swift and successful operation, with fewest civilian casualties. I also saw a picture of a Kurdish family, probably a good deal of their possessions piled high on a truck, attempting to flee Baghdad.

We're fairly insulated here on the West Coast, but I hope our hearts and consciences are not.

CNN
World News
The NY Times

The time has come.

I will be entering the first official final of my law school career. I will be grapping, dueling and wrestling with Conditions, Remedies, Unconscionability, Impracticability, Mistake, Duress and Breach! They're mean, they're ugly, they're bad. Yes, and it's just me against all of them...but I am ready to fight! Grrrr....

We shall conquer! We shall prevail!

FRRRREEEEEEEDOMMMMM!!!!!

The heart is a lonely thing to lose in the dead of the night
The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight
The heart is the match to the fire
And the embers of desire
To keep it burning

I am a shell of the manner and the means
Mine is a story of nothing as it seems
But when we have come this far
And still we don't know who we are
Does it keep burning

When it's over and you see it with your eyes
Would you rather have the truth or a lie?

I call for angels to breathe holy on this rust
I call the snakes to come out slowly from the brush
I need a massive overhaul
A revival to fall
To keep it burning

The heart is a costly thing to sell in the prime of the years
My heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears
The heart is the dream, and the kiss
That there could be more than this
To keep it burning
To keep it burning

--Caedmon's Call, "Manner and Means"
Words and Music by Sandra McCracken

This is a song about the constant need for revival and redemption in our relationships and families and for fresh vision in our work and calling. Something in us knows that we have been made to do all things with great courage, purpose and heart. This song laments the ways we fall short and reflects the longing to keep the fire burning and to do all things well.
--Sandra McCracken

See lyrics for other songs, band biography, meaning of their name, etc. at a great fan website here.

I've resorted to Boy Bands.

"I Drive Myself Crazy" studying, "Tearing Up My Heart" over contracts, "Bye Bye Bye" civil procedure, and "I Would Give Everything I Own" to get out of here, and "God Must Have Spent A Little (Less) Time" on my brain... etc. etc.

Your song suggestions are highly welcome... at any hour! I'll be here.... er, studying.

Argh, when will the suffering end?

So I took the Myers Briggs test again... and it turned out differently! I think it depends on my mood. Today I am an ENTJ, a field marshall. Uh-oh, watch out! E is for extraverted (meaning I get energy from interacting with others), N for intuitive (i'm not sure i understand what this means), T for thinking (make decisions by thinking through rather than feeling, would rather rely on what i know than what i feel) and J for judging (something to do with liking to tie up loose ends, orderliness, structured, etc.?) Does that sound like me? Hmm.

Let me know your results, I'm curious:
Short Version of Myers-Briggs Personality Test

Post them on my little bulletin board (scroll down on the right side of page.)

Faith by Sheldon Vanauken

"In God we trust" our coins proclaim.
Only, what God? what holy name?
The great Apollo, lord of light?
Wisdom, though of the triple helm?
Jesus, loving his enemies?---
The Christ who healed the cop's slashed ear?
Is there, I wonder, a lord of bombers
That don't turn into butterflies
In shaken skies above Vietnam?
A god whose heaven is falling flame?
Old Mars would do, or some beast-name---
Moloch perhaps or the Lord of the Flies.
"In God we trust"---and in his name
Devote our billions to his claim.
Credo: we believe in, not
---Not the owl and not the light,
And not in Him whose "Father, forgive"
Haunts still the blood-stained centuries.
Ours is a different, darker spell,
The pattern of a pentagon:
Conjuring the power but not the glory.
Is there a god of murder to proclaim?
---In his name.

This was a poem in one of Vanauken's fictional works, a character who was deeply angry and bitter about the Vietnam War.

I'm ashamed to admit that I can't take a stance on what looks like will be war against Iraq. I've been staring at the "NO IRAQ WAR" emblazoned in red, white and blue signs for months, but I blame it on ignorance, on not knowing enough about the facts, or enough about the Bible's principles on pacifism or "just war" or smiting the unrighteous.

Anyone have any thoughts or can point me in the right direction?

I must admit that I spend far too much time hanging out on this website.
For a few recommended readings - check out 3/6 What Every Human Should Know, 3/4 Moo (cow concentration) and (if NOTHING else, SEE THIS) 3/3 Technology Benefits Everyone (my personal favorite, thus far.)
(*Warning: It's basically pretty clean, but there are a few items of sketchyness which can usually be avoided.*)

I excuse myself by rationalizing that laughing each day is good for you. I mean, I literally burst out laughing uncontrollably, and am really glad that I'm usually reading this at home alone. It's actually a little embarassing, especially in group settings (e.g. in class) when no one else seems to find it funny. It's so easy to get me in laughing hysterics. Due to my excellent genes (all Chius unite!), I'm often at the point of tears. Not to mention that I can turn flaming red in a moment.

My Contracts prof is hilarious. She reminds me of a cross between a hippy-liberal and a Texan cowgirl, with her long grey hair pulled in low ponytail, big owl-like glasses (and her large staring eyes behind them), standard blazer, jeans and cowboy boots. She's one of those types that is rather awkward in social interactions outside of class, but when she's lecturing... she shines. She's so funny... not because she means to be... she has this frantic high-pitched voice at times, doesn't ever remember anyone's name (and then pronounces them wrong in the most humorous ways, like poor "Mr... Arg-butt-not?"), and can seem quite clueless. When a student asks a question, she often whips her head around the room, saying, "Hello?" as if coming out of a reverie, her large owl-like eyes wide open.

Today she spent some time illustrating a concept with her child's toy, Spongy Bob (who, by the way, is oh-so-cheerfully cute.) And did you hear about the huge cheeto (size of an egg) being sold on eBay? She really got a kick out of that, and so did we. Go to the above website and Dave will fill you in (3/5 Huge Monster Cheeto Update and Update Update.)

AAAACCKKKKK!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I'M HEADING TO D.C.!!!!

I've been waiting (trying to be oh-so-patient) to hear from International Justice Mission regarding my application for a summer law internship. They've been my #1 choice all along. I was just notified that they're inviting me to come!!!! I'm so blown away! It's actually going to happen!!!!

I'm really impressed with the work to do. In fact, I was inspired in part to go to law school for this very reason. All the dark hours studying, staying up into the wee hours of the morning... I kept thinking... maybe someday I would be given the opportunity to really help a victim of injustice and make a difference. I realized that I better know my stuff, and that's been a saving grace for me. I imagine it will continue to be my light at the end of the tunnel.

God is good! Keep hope alive!

Gorgeous, gorgeous day in Seattle. All sun, blue skies and not a hint of cloud to be seen. The day was beckoning me to sit outside, in a garden or at the very least, under the trees near a glade. But I set my face (and heart) as flint and trudged with my 50-lb backpack to the library. My friend & classmate had situated herself in a great corner, though, near all these glass walls and huge windows. To my happy surprise, I could view the garden and trees! I was envious of the Ultimate Frisbee players though, that's for sure.

The library closes early on Saturday at 5pm. I had to leave. What a disappointment! Should I head over to one of the coffeehouses on The Ave (rhymes w/ "have") or drive to Starbucks? (They're open until midnight.) Or worse, the 24-hour "undergrad underground" library? The sun was still out though! My apartment doesn't have much of a view... not an issue when it's gray and drizzly. But today, could I really let the sun slip me by? There was all this work to be done... and I was surprisingly productive and awake.

I went home, opened all the blinds and windows.... and it really looks different. I usually resort to the halogen floor lamp, but... wow... it was now dusk and there was this golden haze throughout the place, quite unfamiliar to me. I took a moment to soak it in. I settled in my pink-and-red-rose-print reading chair, flipped through my purely-indulgent, flowery (as in gardens, travel, teas, home-decorating, etc) magazine and stopped at an article on the benefits of green tea. I broke out my cannister of jasmine tea leaves, poured myself a steaming cup of tea (adding milk and sugar, which I highly recommend) and sat in the sinking sunlight for a few more minutes.

Then, it was gone. Heaven on earth, fifteen minutes at a time.